instructions for the week

‘spleening’ is a non obvious mispelling of the word ‘spelling’.
however, my recommendation for the weekend is to add the letter ‘w’ after ‘s’ if the word begins with an ‘s’ followed by a vowel (doesn’t apply to words beginning with an ‘s’ which don’t have a second letter as a vowel).
a couple of examples:
* my mother just swent me an email swaying how much fun she’s having.
* swomeday this will all make swense
* sweaty swedes swim swomewhere
if you can involve a squelchy mouth noise whilst speaking the ‘sw’ bit then that would be ideal. image in cross between a cough and a sniff and you are halfway there.
update: my colleagues swara and swally aren’t very impressed with this cunning plan. oops

why not design a little button to stick on things and mark it ‘turbo’.
it sure will make things look high tech and ‘modern’.
why not send me a few pictures of how you got on ?

as we were about to enter my grandma’s house jane started giggling uncontrollably. i asked here what was up and she said we should pretend that we don’t speak english when we arrive.
i thought this was a fantastic idea, but i wasn’t sure if my rellies would think so, so we didn’t do it.
but this week, especially at work, pretend you no longer speak or understand english and see how you get on.

this post from dragoon reminded me that one of the exercises to get the choir to sing a particularly difficult phrase well was to sing it “on the vowels’.
this entailed ignoring the consonants and just making the funny vowel sounds. i was amusing to watch people’s faces whilst they did this.
i recommend you try it on a few sentence.
e e o o ou e o (let me know how you get on)

i’ve just had an email from a chap called jaime, which is of course french for “i love”.
just for today, change your name to ILove. You could spell it ILv if you like.
see how you get on.

refer to people as ‘kid’ when you talk to them. this works especially well if they are older or more senior than you. here are some hand picked examples:
“did you get my email kid ?”
“can i take next week off as leave please kid”
“your false teeth have just fallen out kid”
“no kidding, pick up your kid’s kid kid ”
(this last one is ideal if you are trying to convince your friend that you actually do want them to carry your daughter’s young goat).

on the way home tonight shout “macaroon macaroon macaroon” three times everytime you see a bald man.
if you are at home, turn the telly on, open the window and play the same game, shouting out the window every time you see a bald man.
if anyone presents you with a macaroon biscuit as a result of your proclamations, don’t trust them.

The key is consistency. Let consistency unlock the door

develop your own “departure message”. don’t just say “goodbye”. craft a neat sentence and use it always. make it your hallmark.
Here are a few examples to get you started:
* Be seeing you
* All the very best
* Toodle pip
* Missing you already
Find one that fits and wear it out some. Let me know what you come up with.

… concentrate on the sausage and not the sizzle

keep an ordered note of all typologies. be sure to categorise them appropriately.

currently, it is acknowledged, we are experience extreme weather conditions. in the uk (and loads of other places) it’s really hot. every one has some advice to give about how best to stay cool / act sensibly in hot weather.
My advice is simply this: protect your chocolate.
Treat your chocolate right and you’ll have no problems in this weather. Dare to expose it to temperature fluctuations and you may suffer from Sugar or Fat Bloom. No one wants that.

promulgate

don’t be baboozled by tautologies

don’t say dot say dog.
as in funkypancake dog com

Process everything today.
for example, don’t say “I am going to eat an apple”
instead say “I am going to consume an apple using The Eating Process”
[i have entered this text using The Typing Process]

avoid all dubious lacunae

sign and sing contain the same letters yet are different words. the same applies to fires and fries.
try and use alternative words today and see what happens
surely there are higher forces at work around here
shirley their hair fire farces hat worse abound there

filage is a combination of filing and silage – it occures when you get filing overload and your paper turns in to a festering pile
spice up your filage by storing paper in random locations (other non related files, in plant pots, under you shirt etc).
When you next go searching for a fileyou will not find it, but you will find a load of other stuff. this other stuff will stimulate your mind and provide a creative input towards solving.
Expand this system to all non-perishable items and non-family members

“work backwards” today
interpret this how you will:
you may physically sit looking in the wrong direction in meetings
you may wish to type occasional words backwards in reports and letters
you may wish to unconclude previously concluded conclusions
now is your chance. live the dream