Duct Tape Items, from wallets, hats, backpacks, purses and more

one day i may get round to making this blog look a bit prettier. when i do i'll use the tools referred to here

jane, esther and kezia got stuck in a lift in whsmiths in reading today. do you see the strange coincidence here:

* whsmith is a stationary store so it's no surprise the lift didn't move
* whsmith sells books which are good for reading. and our local town is called reading.

it's amazing they even got permission to install a lift with the odds so stacked against them.

the girls were stuck in the lift on their own for around 10 minutes during which time they could communicate by shouting to people in the rest of the shop. it was a power cut apparently which resets the lift, which is a nice idea.

the girls were rewarded for their good behaviour by the shop keepers by the traditional rewards of coke, crisps and chocolate (the three C's). i bet blaine-in-a-box will get the same reward when he is released.

here are all the pairs of shoes jane bought for kezia and esther today.

here is something over 24 hours old now. i came home yesterday to find much cookery going on in the house. there was a fine culinary smell coming from culinary areas. kezia was wearing her bestest apron and generally "eating" everything.

pity i'm on my special diet this fortnight, else i could have eaten the 'sandies' that they made (no i don't know what sandies are either).

and just for you non-vegetarians out there, here is what we had for tea this evening. a massive blob of sanity enhancing british beef.

i know you have all been concerned, so here is the update:

i went to the doctors this afternoon (on jane's bike) and was told most of the infection has gone, but i should take some antibacteria stuff for a week to blast the last away.

here it is (placed neatly on the mantlepiece area of my sony vaio laptop)

here is a mighty fine thing i discovered thanks to Kookportal.

I've always been slightly freaked by facial hair (my own once massive, now slightly large, sideburns excepted). there are two types of beards: those out of control and uncared for, and those which have too much care and attention given them.

the great news is the World Beard and Moustache Championship is heading to London in 2007. i intend to be there ...

Meanwhile i'll get growing a nice handlebar (check out the gallery and read the descriptions).

right, following last week's ear infection and general health malade, i've decided i need to do my exclusion diet for a fortnight. see earlier post for some more details

definately out is chocolate, bread and dairy products.

not sure what is in yet. going to tesco to find out. fruit, salad and veg i suspect. (though fruit is too sugary really).

if you see me eating bad stuff shout at me.

very cold this morning. and dark. it was very cold and dark this morning. and a bit misty. it was very cold, dark and a bit misty this morning. getting up a 6 was too much of a struggle so i waited until 4 minutes past this morning to break myself in gently.

on the way in i saw a pair of trousers, a shoe and a tie. one day i may take a chance and leave the house in just my pants (which i am shall also refer to as 'ass pants' for the sake of our american readers).

i'll then put on any item of clothing i find discarded on the way to work and see if anyone notices the difference.

i'll put this thought on hold until next summer when it warms up. someone remind me ...

a[pologies for anyone trying to post comments to the blog today or last night. server trouble meant your attempts would have failed. we all back and doing now though.

we've just got back from attending the film premier of Bright Young Things, which is the first film directed by Stephen Fry. It was a real posh affair (black tie) and we got to walk throught the paperatzee (spelling corrector required - basic rates of pay, no benefits).

we arrived at the same time as david mellor which was nice. prince charles turned up eventually and we all sang a song to his mum (god save 'er)

we saw loads of celebs as well as prince charles. here are a few photos

jim broadbent, stephen fry and some of the cast (Dan Ackroyd on the right)

angus dayton with an equally unfashionably shoulder bag

john sessions with one of my colleagues in the background

ben elton and rowan atkinson

apologies that most of the photos are of people's backs. i was good at spotting people just too late ! we also saw tracey emin and salmon rushdie on the way out. There are some better photos and an interview on the BBC website

the film was really good, the seat comfortable and we all got a free bottle of diet coke as well.

Before i start. if you are interested in anything really megalothic, visit this site. if you live in the UK buy The Modern Antiquarian book. Visit Avebury and Silbury Hill rather than just Stonehenge.

meanwhile ...

longleat is quite near stonehenge. i posted photos from the journey down previously.

on the way back, jane was driving do i got to take pictures as we whizzed by stonehenge

however, tony, tanya, catherine and anna, who we shared our chalet with in center parcs, went to visit stonehenge on their way home instead of going to longleat.

here is one of tony's pictures:

this afternoon we've had cousin thomas to stay

we took him to a party where i mowed the lawn with kezia (photo by tony):

Yoz Grahame's Cheerleader: Seven quick tips for a spam-free blog

postman pat's spiritual welfare was provided by the church. The sign read "please stay on the path". a firm reminder to all christians to stay true to their foundations

the spritual welfare of the guinee pigs (not guiness pigs) was also considered in the kids animal area. in their pen they had a nice church too:

also at longleat was a postman pat village. it was the world of postman pat shrunken down to toddler size. very good, but slightly eery.

here was a severed arm waving hopelessly (viewed from the side).

and here is a nicely posed picture of kezia and esther looking unimpressed alongside jess and postman pat

Longleat claims to have the world's longest maze. when we went in I asked for some hints so we could get through it quickly (before the kids got bored). she said "allow an hour and ... STICK TOGETHER".

we started by letting esther lead the way down the narrow hedges. then we let kezia lead which was really funny. she kept whizzing off round hedges and we had to keep up so as not to loose her. then jane took control of the situation and finally I made a lucky choice of exit in a funny circle area and we found the centre.

it's a fantastically difficult maze, but really good fun. best of all is that the hedges and thick enough and tall enough to make it impossible to cheat !

we got to the middle in 25 minutes which i think was good going.

kezia and esther loved the little train ride thing. we got to see the hippos swimming along the river which was good.

i took esther round the doctor who exhibition in longleat. i thought she'd be scared, bored or both. but she loved it and wanted to go round it again. so we did. she enjoyed making her voice sound like a darlek and though davros looked funny.

jane sometimes calls me davros which is nice. and probably only fair.

quiz of the day - which one was gracious enough to marry me.

three photos, one wife.

here is the photo I took of jane by candlelight:

and here is davros from doctor who:

and here is some other chap (thanks to andrew for pointing this out):

the safari is the main bit about going to Longleat, though after we were attacked by the monkeys it was the least enjoyable (at the time). once we were back in the carpark and realised there was no lasting damage to our car (other than a few claw holes in the plastic trimming) we decided we had enjoyed it afterall.

here are the sweet monkeys:

here are some tigers:

here is a wolf

we also went on a boat cruise in a tiny lake and saw a couple of hippos:

and a gorilla:

and everyone loves meercats:

the visitors can wait a few minutes - this is important stuff

here is the monkey who pulled the trimming off our car:

here is his hand on our window screen:

you can't hear the scratching and ripping noises which accompanied it

we are back. a monkey ate our car at the safari park. this and other stories to follow. probably tomorrow now though as we've only been back an hour, just put the girls to bed and have some visitors staying overnight arriving any minute ...

my ear is still REALLY hurting. hopefully the antibiotics should be starting to take effect now (48 hours after i took my first one). should be fine by the time i'm back at work. kezia keeps pointing at the cotton wool in my ear and laughing. which is nice. no sleep last night. oh well.

here are esther and kezia playing golf. they were both really good and kezia was especially funny with her little golf club.

the key thing for marketing of products in a retail environment is how you do your point of sale merchandising. i suspect that the popcorn manafacturer didn't recommend they were piled on top of an old dustbin.

but i could have been wrong.

here is a good sign being blatantly ignored by some giant chess people. this picture contains a lad referred to as 'golden boy' by his mum. she proclaimed this whilst having an argument with his dad. other people's holiday strops are always amusing to observe

here we are by some giant (but actually not that giant) redwoods.

here we are walking to the shop for our crois-ers.

the girls have been locked out of the toy shop:

but they were allowed in the supermarket:

i went, and i jolly well got, that photo of a hound from the revolving restaurant.

jane and i went to the poshest restaurant last night. was very good. here is jane by candlelight

in the toilet was some bodylotion. i never understand what us blokes are meant to do with that ? strip down to our underpants and lard it on ? i think not ...

read the update here

a lady just came in to the place where i'm internetting from and asked if i was in here internetting last night. i said "yes" and she said "oh, that all makes sense now ..."

very mysterious. this is a cool office though - they have a telly on the floor playing a music channel. Just had the Kings of Leon on followed by Elvis. if only i could hear properly i would very much enjoy working in an office like this !

right - must get back to help put kids to bed and head out for our second night out. this time we are going to a very posh restaurant apparently ...

here is kezia showing how you can sit in your high chair if you are clever.

here is a nice night view of the swimming place. jane and i had our first night out (of two) last night. italian followed by a walk around a lake. very nice (but a bit chilly - the weather not the food).

today, the girls are very tired (all of them). My ear is massively painful like someone pushing a red hot needle down it all the time. a coprox cocktail will get me through our meal out tonight.

much misery this afternoon as esther lost her cycling mojo :-( hopefully we'll get it back tomorrow. she's ok on the flat, but after her dramatic exit whilst in motion yesterday she's not keen to go downt he hill to the lake. ho hum

here is a hound doing a nice leg kick. there is another dog picture i must obtain but it's in a revolving door so it's tricky. i shall do my best to obtain this photo for you dear readers this evening.

center parcs is so modern. they have a stereo oven in the chalets.

the sony sound system speakers are either side of the extractor fan. nice idea. now you can cook the dinner and wash the dishes whilst having a little boogie. I washed up to Stevie Wonder's Very Superstitious and the Starsky and Hunk theme last night.

here is a cow in front of the view.

risking the pain barrier we went cycling today. esther fell off, but got back on again so that was ok.

my antibotics are called Amix. coproxamol is good too.

someone has a pet bowl which they have tied up to this post.

here is the sign of the hound:

when it rained yesterday people realised they might get wet. we were prepared but others weren't.

in the same way at school if you forgot your PE kit then you had to wear the 'spare gym kit' which looked (and smelled) horrible, people here had to but blue plastic bags at £1.50 a throw.

this was their punishment for forgetting their coats. seeing groups together of the 'blue macs' against the green forest was a beautiful thing.

yesterday i put my clothes in locker numbre 697 at the swimming pool.

we also parked our car next to lampost number 697.

guess what number post this is and what number chalet we are in ?

not 697 actually.

yesterday it rained. but this was fine as we were prepared

longleat is quite near stonehenge. i posted photos from the journey down previously.

here is a view of stonehenge out of the window as we drove to center parcs

more stonehenge updates here

gprs is cool - although it only works if i sit in the forest outside our chalet.

i have an ear infection. excellent timing !

girls are having great time.

winnie the poo, black rebel motorcycle and beck kept us all amused on route.

possibility of 'real' internet access this evening using laptop so can update you with pictures, medical info etc then.

my blogging may be restricted next week as i'm not in my office.

therefore, for one week only, here is a blog for work related activities:

The Girls From The Office

burn church

sometimes you realise stuff when it's too late.

for example i have a nagging fear that when i'm old and in a home i might suddently realise i love bungy jumping and wish i'd done it when i was more sprightly. i'm not worried enough about it enough to actually do a bungy jump though.

tonight i realised i love watering the garden. i haven't done it all year. but it was great. maybe i'll try remembering this fact at the beginning of next summer rather than the end.

here is one of my favourite books: radiant health.

it contains some real gems and some great photos.
here we are informed thus regarding the drinking of tea:

"Beatification of the ever-popular "cup that cheers" is really not warranted at all. The ultimate effect is injurious rather than reviving"

it also includes some miracle cures for common ailments, like colic and food poisoning. i can hire out some old pieces of hose pipe for those wishing to try these cures.

click for big version.

or how about this for hiccups - a few things to try in the office next time someone hiccups. i had to look up the word emetic. it was worth it.

click for big version

i have a small library of quality literature. i shall share some with you:

here is a book i purchased recently entitled "smocking for pleasure". not a typo.

"[The book] not only guides would-be enthusiasts through their first projects, but also provides inspiration for accomplished smockers ... Altogether an irresistable book for followers of this decorative and popular needlecraft"

smocks are so now.

kezia dissapeared for a few minutes today. turned out she had found some mud to play with at the end of our friend's garden. here she is covered from head to toe in mud, not looking too pleased with herself. she's definately had a bad hair day.

here is esther and jacob. jacob is deconstructing a small house whilst bouncing on a trampoline. it's like a TV version of changing rooms and it's a knockout all in one go.

then they decided to fish whilst bouncing. jacob caught esther's shoe

esther announced she had hidden some beetroot in the house. alice and jacob love beetroot.

i had a good bass sound and volume this morning. i took a photo to remind me of my settings:

The amp is a peavey amp. the logo makes it look like 'pervey'.

i have a spam trap on my email. it has around a 98% success rate. One of my friends sends me emails occasionally and his emails always drop in to the spam trap automatically which amuses me. i think he uses too many exclamataion marks and capital letters.

today i received a non-trapped spam which the spam trap obviously decided was important and targetted enough not to be actual spam. it was if the spam trap was actually saying "go on, this would be good for you".

you know what, i might just give it a go ...

Webmonkey | Reference: Color Codes

this post from dragoon reminded me that one of the exercises to get the choir to sing a particularly difficult phrase well was to sing it "on the vowels'.

this entailed ignoring the consonants and just making the funny vowel sounds. i was amusing to watch people's faces whilst they did this.

i recommend you try it on a few sentence.

e e o o ou e o (let me know how you get on)

the story of my evening with a load of men:

exciting day spent doing tax returns. i agree with taxes generally. i've certainly got value out of the national health service over the last few years and the UK is generally a good place for public services (even if they aren't world class). Doesn't make filling in the forms any more exciting though. ho hum.

there is man-of-the-street who 'lives' somewhere between paddington and oxford circus who collects the kind of junk i take photos of and put them in a trolley. i often see him in the morning transporting his trolleys through the streets of london.

today i saw him with 6 seperate trolleys, all piled high with junk.

here they all are:

trolleys 1 and 2 in front and number 3 behind (with the guy himself sitting down):

number 4 in front and number 5 off in the distance by the lamp-post

number 6 all nicely piled up

i saw this note this morning. It says " NO MILK TODAY. Dear Milkman I would like to cut my milk delivery by half for the time being'

i think the stella bottle suggests the note writer may have found a different beverage of choice.

or maybe the the milkman delivers alcohol. but surely not ?

but then in the next street was this milk van with just one bottle - a beer bottle ! a coincidence ? no such thing ...

and when they do deliver it's a sham

ahoy there

i totally forgot it was talk like a pirate day. i was happily reminded by a message on the office ladies guest blog.

i'm out singing tonight with 55 men so i may adopt a pirate stance. they don't know me and i don't know them. i'll just be 'that chap who turned up one week and spoke like a pirate'

yar.

this glove looked like it's made from hemp, but was probably just woolen

i woke up at 6.30 this morning rather than 6am, so had to run out the door almost as soon as i was awake (vital duties duly dutied). therefore i've lost 30 minutes of today and have been running to catch up.

as if to serve me right, my train was delayed 15 minutes on route, thus increasing total delays to 45 minutes.

during the 15 minutes stoppage i looked out of the window and watched this squirrel eating an acorn. he hopped right up next to the train, had a nibble then jumped to another rail etc. i looked around the carriage to catch a fellow commuter's eye so we could share the moment, but everyone was either asleep or reading their papers.

as a result of the site of the squirrel i now have the White Stripes song Little Acorns in my mind. which makes a change from You Make Me Feel Like Dancing by Leo Sayer which i have had stuck in my mind for the last 7 or 8 years.

after the glove drought I end up finding three in one day. they've all been good.
the speckled blue one, the tied one and now the red one.

this one is nicely presented on some black railings.

london is great. all over the place are round blue signs like this one which say who once lived where.

this one is my favourite: Thomas Young, Man of Science.

Man of sciences sounds a very old fashioned title. i imagine at the time it was completely futuristic. but now is just sounds strange.

i'm a man of science. i'm made of molecules and atoms and all those tiny things they tell you about in school.

man of science was probably an alternative to 'man of god' ie you can't be a techno-bod and a person of faith. they don't have to be exclusive though. God invented a fantastic world with physical constants and structures which we can start to understand.

i'm a man of science and i'm a christian. i'm not great at either. but i try.

i found abandoned next to a hospital. there is also a mini-beanbag (green) in the same place. it's been there for months. i haven't taken a photo of it though as i've been keeping it a secret for myself. i can't share everything on this blog you know ...

here is a very screwed up glove. looks like one of the fingers had been knotted

i'm potentially unable to blog for a few days next week, so i've been asked to consider allowing a couple of guest bloggers.

i'm undecided on this at the moment - there's a certain randomness in the plan which i like. but an obvious lack of editorial control (and potential for destruction).

thoughts (and volunteers) welcome.

i saw this sign in an office toilet. i like the way an old bit of chewing gum has been stuck on the word chewing gum. i was there with a french man, who has plenty of foreign objects with him (including chewing gum?)

i went to the north of london this morning. there were at least three ntl street cabinets (including one next to a hospital) which had their doors unlocked.

it's nice that ntl are so trusting - anyone could disconnect anyone's phones and/or plug a phone in and make 'free' calls (illegally of course).

maybe they lost the key ?

i haven't seen a glove for a while so it was with great relief that I found this today. it has a nice blue speckled effect which is especially appealing

here is an interesting sport. blending in with members of the public.
The Blenders

found this rather nice site just now about travelling on london underground.
http://www.london-underground.blogspot.com/

Apparently my davescollections website was on Terry and Gabby a few weeks back ! i think they may have pitched it as 'photos reunited'.

no wonder people keep pointing at me in the street.

abbrevs are good. the key thing is to take a normal phrase or sentence, and construct an abbrev of it. live with the abbrev for a while and forget what the original phrase or sentence was. at this stage you are free to explore the meaning and expand out the abbrev into something more beautiful.

eg. FYI is obviously short for Feast Your Is (Eyes)

wow. the 'n' was the n'th entry which was entry number 1000 (across all the blogs including deleted entries). makes you proud doesn't it. probably. not.

the letter 'n'

i noticed yesterday that there is a trend for very thin high heels. i noticed this when someone nearly got stuck on an escalator and someone else did get stuck going in to an office building in a little great (great little?).

it got me thinking back to physics lessons at school and how pressure is related to weight and area. a quick google search revealed a number of essays on this subject. one such is here:
Pressure Under High Heels.

Bear in mind that as high heels become smaller, the pressure exerted will tend to infinity. and that's a lot of pressure.

i've a stinking cold today. as everyone knows a stinking cold is an ideal opportunity to try a spot of amateur pharmacoooticalling.

i have decided that a combination of squeezed orange juice, fresh cranberry juice, coproxamol, crisps (plain), carrot sticks and rice cakes will make me feel great again. so far so bad.

this is not true - but would you risk chaining anything to the railings to find out ?

here are three congestion charge busting devices. i spotted the chair with the buggy in the background first then noticed this other buggy a few metres down the road.

Both the buggies look a bit worse for wear - perhaps they have been lying dormant in people's cupboards and now the new term has started these mistreated machines are falling apart ?

here is a strange plastic thing near Gatwick airport. a real mystery

plan next week around the fact that next Friday is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Get your posters downloaded and start practicing now

i've set up a blogstop game. My version is heavily based on the original blogstop here.

As with all games there are some rules.

we bought a map yesterday at the Henley Show. We used it today to go for a walk near Grey's Court (which itself was shut). According to the map it is an area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (ONB).

big car boot sale today in Henley. i wore a hat to stop my oozing head getting even more burnt. two of our very good friends were (seperately) selling their wares. we wanted to buy from them to support them, but also didn't want to buy any of their old cack (we have enough cack of our own).

amongst all the general car boot sale nonsense was some TV recording of some car boot sale program.

i discovered waitrose quick check today. scanning your own food is fantastic ! of course esther is an expert on this already as jane usually scans when she goes round in the week. but it was my first time and i loved it.

here are two girls in a trolley:

we went to the henley show today. it was excellent. very hot (i burnt my head).

highlights were the larmaaaas. i don't know where llamas have come from but there are all of a sudden loads of them at country fairs. The Henley Show even had special showing classes for them. They do look quite cute though. their popularity has also boosted sales of labcoats. Poor animals probably expect to be experimented on.

This being Henley, land of the posh, we were delighted to see some truely exceptional picnic-ers. we sat on a rug and ate chips. others had bought luxury tables and chairs with champagne flutes and even flowers for their tables. the world was a live with the sound of popping champagne corks

Another highlight was the motorbike display team. we sat behind their starting positions so we got to see (and smell) a lot of waiting bikes whilst being helpfully shielded from the real action by the bikes themselves. what we could see was good though.

summary: Total entry fee was £17 and we paid the same again for food, so quite expensive. we were there for 5 hours though so good value I think.

kezzy loves hats. even if they are a bit too small. she insisted on wearing her hat today despite it being really warm

it's herve's last day in the office. people are dropping like mouches. he's not leaving the company. just his desk.

herve has been trying to increase his 'française' influence, particularly with regard to fashion, specifically related to my jumper, more exactly relating to how i wear it.

here is my first attempt as wearing my jumper "the french way"

you have to admire this chap. he pushed a peanut with his nose across london.

'It is the latest in a series of protests by McGowan which have included rolling across London to promote kindness to cleaners and walking backwards with a turkey on his head to fight obesity. '

BBC NEWS | UK | England | London | Nut heads for Downing Street

Much better than Blaine-in-a-box

being honest about food contents is important

here it is 'in the flesh'

i've just had an email from a chap called jaime, which is of course french for "i love".

just for today, change your name to ILove. You could spell it ILv if you like.

see how you get on.

as you know, i've been looking for ways that people have been beating the congestion charge. in a lot of cases the method has involved castors on objects (or indeed just the castor itself).

here we see a pile of wheely-chairs next to BT tower in the usual dumping place.

but why ?

have they been confiscated ?
are they insurance write-offs ?
is it a badly run council chair-park ?

some mysteries are too deep to even bother fathoming.

Kaleidoscope

i have been accused of wearing odd socks. i am a bloke (fact) and both of my socks are black (originally) so they can't be odd (in my opinion).

'odd' and 'pair' are relative terms with a sock continium between them. i believe today's sock choice lies on towards the pair side of the line.

and it was dark when i put them on this morning.

my feet seem a little strange in this picture. for this i can only apologise.

i hate standing in dog hound poo. i stood in some this morning. i'm sure the extra weight of my laptop in my backpack which squashed me down in to it.

i was then faced with the dilema of stopping and scrapping (but with what) or taking a more grassy, puddly route to wipe it off as I went.

it was this second option i chose which involved dragging my feet down gutters (of the road, not houses) and standing in every puddle and pile of workman's sand available.

however, all this really did was to increase the level of soilage on my shoe and make people think I was practicing for a role in the Hunchback of Notradam.

in the end i cleaned it off with toilet paper when i got to work.

apologies to anyone reading this whilst eating.

i spotted this glove in someone's front garden on the way home last night. unfortunately the owners of the house were unloading their car next to where the glove was lying.

so i said "can i take a picture of this glove for my website please". they didn't really just laughed politely but didn't say anything, so i took the photo anyway.

people are so weird about talking to strangers.

we've heard nothing from arjan (or lucy for that matter) for ages. all we have left is a stupid teddy and a picture of arjan.

sara constructed this beautiful montage to attract comments from them.

update: as weird as a weird thing, just as I was writing this Lucy phoned up to talk to sara. the world is indeed a strange and mysterious place. or is that plaice. a very strange and mysterious plaice which is in a fact a fish. fishworld.

here is an electrical engineer cutting through a rather seriously big mains cable.

this is never a good idea. especially if you are just using a carving knife.

i didn't stick around to see what happened next ...

my work voicemails come to me by the magic of email. here is one i received whilst in berlin:
voicemail (30kb)

if it doesn't play when you click it you need to right click, 'save as' on your machine and play it from there. or just not bother.

i've just heard that esther had an exciting morning at preschool today. she wanted to do some art and 'needed some hair for her picture' so she hacked a bit of her own off.

very enterprising. and at least she didn't chop anyone else's hair off (as far as i know).

i don't know if we should tell her off or not. depends if the picture is any good.

pictorial evidence later i hope ...

two signs for 1 mile. is that 2 miles ? or a consensus at 1 mile. was the second sign put there by a blind man who didn't see the first sign.

what kind of crazy world do we live in where they let blind people put up traffic signs ? that could lead to all sorts of chaos. but would be very good for blog pictures.

this high speed train whizzed past my slow train this morning. i noticed there was a lot of blood on the front of it so searched it out when i arrived at Paddington. i suspected it would have been cleaned off by the time i got there, but it was still 'attached'.

you can just about make out a piece of pigeon wing under the window-wipers so i suspect it was this that was splattered (or a fox with a pigeon in it's mouth jumping from a bridge)

i was mentioned on radio6 this evening for bumping in to famous people. unfortunately i was listening via the internet and my machine crashed just as he said "we've also got an email from funkypancake who sent in a list of things and web addresses by ..." machine froze. so i don't know if this site was mentioned or not. and they don't archive that particular show so i can't listen back to it.

that's modern technology for you. you can't trust it. and you mustn't either.

when i got to heathrow last night i thought i would go looking for celebrities as there is no where for them to hide in the baggage reclaim area.

i went and stood at the side and there was ulrika ! she was just leaving so i grabbed my camera and caught this rear shot. i wasn't sure if it was her as her hair looked a bit of a mess, but then she said something to her travelling companions and she had the voice of ulrika.

BA781 from stockholm:

here is a picture of dogs on a door in a restaurant in tegel airport.

better photo of this exhibit here

here's a nice idea. have a window between the blokes toilets and the ladies so you can wave at each other washing your hands

i was wondering why my part of berlin was so quiet. there didn't seem to be many people about for sure. i thought berlin was meant to be party-central. i had a feeling something was going on somewhere else and i wasn't invited (probably for my anti-freedom of speech leanings or something).

however, it was because they were all over in the old West side of the city having a street party and doing shopping and eating at brand named takeaway restaurants.

this is how they must have felt in east-berlin before the wall came down. but it was probably worse for them. i suspect.

i went to a flea market near the Tiergarten. it was full of fantastic things like thousands of rusty door handles

and boxes full of ceramic doll limbs

pictures of russian leaders


(where's the birth mark)

this reminded me of my once fantastic moon-bike. one day i'll find the pictures and show you. remind me if i forget

here is a jolly face only viewable from the top of the reichstag

here is the top of the reichstag. i arrived at 7.30am to avoid a two hour queue. it worked very well. my queuing lasted 30 minutes (ie until the door opened at 8am). If i had arrived at 8am then my queue would have lasted no minutes as they let everyone in when the doors opened. very early Sunday morning is the time to go.

i caused trouble with the security people because i stepped forward when i shouldn't have despite being told in incomprehensible German what to do (i assume). i then forgot i had some spare batteries in my pocket and the more he quizzed me the more confused i got and it was all very stressful. i made it through in the end though.

later that day this experience would be repeated at Berlin Airport where i even had to take my shoes off and have them put through the machine. i used to look like a hippy, but these days i obviously look more like a terrorist.

here is one of berlin's busiest roads. it's empty because it was 7.30am on sunday. much of berlin seemed empty. i later found out why, but you'll have to wait until later this evening for me to upload those photos !

saturday evening was the reception to end the conference. after my walking i was little tired and only did some small dancing.

here was a view of the sunset:

here are some of the people from the conference:

warning. this man sells PONS (passive optical networks)

this chap was the jolliest man at the conference. he'd been retired from BT for 12 years but still comes back for more. probably similar to watching open university in your spare time. i hope i'm like that when i'm retired.

this man is one of the nicest on the planet. he's also just like the dad from the kumars so he's also one of the funniest !

this man is called jos and he has the same dancing style as me. we had a jelly legged dance-off. it was a close thing. i thought he had won for sure, but he graciously conceded defeat to my younger more nimble legs.

this man was a contendor for the greatest dancer award. he's greek so it's in his blood. we made sure all the plates were well out of the way

this chap looks like richard whiteley. but don't be fooled. because he isn't

compare to the front page of richard whiteley's book 'himoff':

if you are an international visitor to this site and want to know more about Richard Whiteley and the program he presents called countdown then go here or here !

whilst walking near the hound parade i found a mysterious chair. i suspect it is art

on the saturday morning there was much drumming outside the conference venue and it had to be halted for a few minutes whilst some anti-fox mauling people marched by.

after the conference (and before the evening activities) i went for a walk and heard more drumming. i went to see what it was and it was a dog parade (fiffi parade):

here is a hound lover

here's a good game to play:

a few moments later i heard some more drums so i went in search of them too and found a drumming festival. everyone in berlin must have a headache.

by the way, i've decided to stop saying the word dog and use the word hound instead. much better.

saturday was the last day of the conference. the bloke who sat in front of me was obviously from a less well developed country and had brought his mobile phone with him in his briefcase. it consisted of a rotary dial phone and massive battery

i haven't been able to update the blog because there is some DNS trouble with my ntlworld connection meaning i can't see the site.

lots of photos to put on the blog sometime today and another spotted celebrity picture ...

update: midday Monday. trouble still remains. ntl not bothered. ho hum :-(

this is a contributed sign. don't know of its origin.

looks like the dustpan has seen its fair share of accidents.

are you hungry for cake ? you're welcome to ask our waiters/waitress for cake

this sign makes no sense. why is this man after action for another library. very strange

this sign had been cancelled by sticking tape all over it. i especially like the no wheelchairs. why ???

i found a tall building and went up it at sunset. it was such a clear night you could see the sun go down over the horizon. very nice.

click for big version:

i went to the reichstag last night. there was a massive queue for the dome so i wandered about in the park in front of it. the charilion was playing and there was an echo almost as loud as the original sound itself from the nearby buildings. this made it sound even more fantastic !

this bloke wanders round berlin with a false nose and charge people €1 to take a photo. i took his photo only to find out later i should have paid. ooops

the office which became of fice is now just f ice. the o has g ne.

comedy conference moment. a chap was giving his presentation very earnestly and another younger bloke wandered up to him and stood really close to him looking quite concerned. the main speaker carried on oblivious.

after a while the main speaker handed over to his mate who then presented a slide. he then handed back to the original speaker.

rather than sit down he proceeded to stand and stare at the main speaker with a really pained expression on his face. he looked like he might burst in to tears at any moment !

comedy speakers so far:

* another presenter with brown shoes

* a presenter using the word "miserable" instead of "measurable". (we all agreed when he said "this is miserable")

* a presenter using the word 'fire' instead of 'fibre' (we all felt fearful when she said "the future is fire").

"we have a leg of knowledge"

i love people's attitude to dogs on the continent. i especially like how it's acceptable for people to take their small dogs with them wherever they go.

this chap has bought his dog along to the conference. he's german, but i think i've seen him at the conference with his dog in previous years.

it's nice to see it nipping about when we are all having our lunch / coffee breaks.

here they are both looking slightly drunk late last night.

additional conference note: there are 90 delegates here from Greece. 40 actually attending the conference and another 50 on the 'partners program' for wives, secretaries etc etc.

i used to be a goth so i liked this sign. should appeal to latter period stone roses fans too

we had a drinks reception in the telecoms museum which was good. they weren't very good at pouring beer though.

i asked this guy for a beer in my bestest clearest english. he then proceeded to very slowly fill a glass with 40% beer, 60% head. he didn't look impressed by that so he tried again with another glass. and another. and another until he had 8 mostly frothy glasses in front of him.

I said "i should give up, you're not going to get the hang of that". either he agreed or didn't understand as he smiled and passed me a half full glass of froth.

i saw this sign in a museum. i've never looked at it close up before. the brid looks like it is absolutely petrified ! it's mad tongue and flailing legs make it appear very concerned about something

i found a few more of those funny bear things scattered around the town.

by accident i stumbled on to hundreds of them:

the british one was an embarrasement

20 pence cash to the first person who guesses what this is correctly.

i thought the first traffic lights ever came from leicester in england. berlin claims that they had the first traffic lights. interesting hey ?

my first (known) international glove

there was time for a quick look round after the conference and before the reception last night:

checkpoint charlie (replica)

old wall:

an old watch tower had been overtaken by hippies paying "jigger jigger" music

this sign reminded me of my youngest daughter kezia. she likes to involve herself in her meals in the same way as this little chap.

conference fashion. even i know brown shoes are a bad plan

arjan left last week as you know blog-watchers. he has been replaced by something altogether more lovely. he had a pair of scissors last time i saw him, but it now looks like he's got a pen and paper. which is much safer.

it also appears the office blew up yesterday and there were multiple casualties. glad i'm in another country

i AM actually at the conference which is actually very good. everyone i have spoken to has an agenda. a book to sell, a product concept to promote. fibre network, quality of service etc for sale.

content of rest of days looks good.

best quotes so far from the international speakers:

"I disagree, i think we can agree"
" we are firmly in the twenteenth century"
"execute - ive staff" (rather than executive staff - hachett man?)
"we will all be satisfied professionally during the conference"

wifi in the luncheon area. just my luck my work remote email access is down :-(

my german isn't very good but i think this street might be wet

concrete giant teddy

more things seen:

church against eery sky

famous things

peeping tower

i suspect his is actually advertising but i like the idea of easy to use bins

i'm getting a good feel for german culture. or maybe hilton culture.

facial expression of the day must go to the waiter who responded to my request for 'hot water' with a mixture of shock/horror/disdain/pity.

he went away with his tail (and coffee pot) between his legs. not sure what that saying means

i set off early for the conference this morning so i could see some nearby sites. i saw some very strange pink pipes ...

i suspect we will be hearing more from the shoe grinder. it's quite an agressive foot tickler.

in event of fire, don't stand in the fireproof box.

or maybe it's saying "this man and woman had no chance against the fire. they are now ex-people"

or maybe it's saying "no mixed burning"

remember the lazy eye(s). here is a very lazy f. it's not even bothered coming in to the office.

esther and kezia wanted to see what my room was like so here it is.
you can't see the wireless internet connection cuz it's wireless.

everyone loves chinese tourists. this one had a nice hat so i took his photo

elvis was on the plane. whenever i saw him he was talking on his mobile and looking quite angry. so i went for the sneaky photo option instead of the blatant asking approach

i wanted to log my journey so got my camera out to take a picture of the stewardesses doing their safety demonstration.

it had all started nicely with the captain saying "you may think this is boring, and indeed it is very boring, but would you please want the safety demonstration for your own safety". i notice he didn't say deadly boring. i would have if i had been the captain.

anyway, a very scarey tall chap with camoflage trousers was sitting next to me. he looked like a paramilitary chap who took the Territorial Army very seriously. (he had been to Berlin before for a party, but didn't get to see the town so was returning to stay with his american friend for 10 days it later transpired).

anyway, he looked at me with camera in hand and said "you aren't allowed to do that. no electronic devices on the plane. it intereferes with the planes' computers".

i paniced slightly and didn't know whether i should just take the photo anyway. i decided not to.

but it did give me a little confidence that he wasn't going to blow up the plane as he obviously didn't want us to crash because of my (award winning) photographic exploits.

however, i did manage to unconvince myself of that fact by suggesting to myself that he probably wanted to blow the airplane up over the North Sea or something. or hijack us whilst keeping us all alive to really scare us.

i don't like flying at all. but i put on a brave face.

my seat this evening was next to the emergency exit, and because of the layout of the plane I was on the emergency exit route. In fact, as pointed out by the stewardess, i was responsible for operating the emergency exit in an emergency.

i had little training but took the responsibilty very seriously. it appeared i would need to slide a little window down, pull a handle and remove the complete door unit. i was ready. luckily i didn't need to go through with it. though i was ready for a drill at 5,000 feet.

I was thinking about opening it a jar whilst we were going on to get a nice breeze going through. however, they have nice little screens on the planes showing where you are and wind speed etc. one of them said it was -20degC outside so i decided to keep the door shut.

heathrow express is very expensive. man in my carriage couldnt talk without walking. he wore carpet out with a mobile phone conversation

accidentally pushed in front of a load of angry wheelchair users in burger king. luckily my server was so slow they got served quicker anyway.

plane tails are circling like shark fins. 30mins to take off

i love post offices. they are dark, hot, stinky and full of old people collecting their pension. well maybe that's an exageration, but they are a special type of shop.

the people who work in them are good value though. i was sent back and forward 3 times to get my E111 form.
"you haven't filled that bit in sir"
"i know, it's not clear what i have to do"
"yes it is sir, now go over there and fill it in"

my favourite bits are the pigeon holes for all the forms and leaflets. these things have been around since the 70s and look like it too.

here is some new pigeon fashion. a little white mohecan. maybe it's wants to be a parakeet. spelling mistakes entirely deliberate (if applicable)

usually when you see a bag you see the outside. some people are priviledged to see the inside too.

it seems to me that most of travelling is about looking inside things. they can see inside your mind now before you get on a plane. that little archway thing you go through next to the x-ray machines. that's the mind reader.

here is my bag being scanned by the left luggage office in Paddington. i asked if i could get in the machine so he could take a picture of me in the monitors, but he refused. i imagine he gets asked that all the time.

i went to bed at 7.30pm last night with a dodgy stomach and got up at 6am this morning only to decide that working from home might be a safer option (for all involved). so here i sit at 6.45, bucket ready ...

update: here is the (empty) bucket

i love satsumas. it's what christmas is all about (sort of). we are not quite in season yet, so i expected prices to be slightly inflated.

but, my goodness:

'tesco unbeatable offers - two for £3.'

I suspect it's the definition of the word "unbeatable" which is at question here

refer to people as 'kid' when you talk to them. this works especially well if they are older or more senior than you. here are some hand picked examples:

"did you get my email kid ?"
"can i take next week off as leave please kid"
"your false teeth have just fallen out kid"
"no kidding, pick up your kid's kid kid "

(this last one is ideal if you are trying to convince your friend that you actually do want them to carry your daughter's young goat).

found this photo this morning on the way to work. was face down on New Cavendish Street. this was the only bit I could find.

this was in the street near the office. a most peculiar device.

i'm always interested in things parked in car parking spaces. this tennis ball has pulled up rather far from the kerb and is not officially in a parking space.

'tennis ball' is a neat was of avoiding the congestion charge as I think it's in the exempt category.

there are two ways of travelling by tennis ball:
1) stand on top and run backwards, thus propelling yourself and the ball forward
2) lie flat with the tennis ball under you. pull yourself along with your hands with all your weight resting on the tennis ball. when the ball has reached the end of your body then either replace it yourself higher up your body or get a travelling companion to help.

method 2) is slightly more complicated, and because it leads to a slower method of travel, is probably best avoided on public roads.

my advice is stick to the pavement (stand on some chewing gum)